The Nosgoth Times
by Lemonhead
Summary: The hugely popular Nosgoth Times, after more than half a year's abscence, has returned! Hear about Raziel's reason for quitting, Moebius' religious revelations, drugs in Nosgoth, and more!
1. Soul Reaver Quits In Disgust, Confusion

The Nosgoth Times  
  
Soul Reaver Unable to Understand Plot, Gives Up In Disgust  
  
Raziel, the centuries-old Soul Reaver of Nosgoth, made a public announcement today, informing the world that he is retiring   
  
from his position.'Fuck this time travel bullshit,' Raziel said. 'I can't even tell which friggin' version of me I am   
  
anymore! Watch this!' With that, he vanished, and reappeared two minutes later missing an arm. 'See? This is a future version   
  
of me. The one you just saw is from five hundred years ago. Tell me that's not fucked up.'  
  
The announcement of the renowned Soul Reaver's retirement brought tears to the eyes of many, not least Moebius, Time   
  
Guardian.  
  
'With Raziel out of the business, how am I ever going to kill Kain? Who am I going to relentlessly hound for all eternity   
  
trying to manipulate him?'  
  
The Elder God was unavailable for comment.  
  
Kain, too, was disappointed with this development.   
  
'If Raziel retires, then all of history is going to have to reshuffle itself to accommodate his monumental decision! There   
  
will be no way that he can refuse to kill my past self, then meet with my other past self, then go off to another time and   
  
do some shit, then kill some priests, then bust up a few vampire heads, then fight me, then go back in time again and kill   
  
himself no none of this can ever happen, and I'll never be able to return Nosgoth to it's old state!'  
  
Kain refused to comment when a suggestion was made that they kill HIS past self in order to stop anything bad from   
  
happening to Nosgoth at all.  
  
Raziel explained his reason to reporters for retiring:   
  
'For one thing, I'm old as all hell. I got arthritis like you wouldn't BELIEVE. Of course I don't know how old I am,   
  
because I don't know what time this version of me is from. And I honestly can't figure out what the hell's going on. Every   
  
two seconds somebody's fucking me off to some distant era and everything's all green and messed up, and then somebody shows   
  
up from some OTHER time and tells me to watch out, cause some pretty freaky shit is going on, and everyone is in on it, and   
  
I'm supposed to be saving the world, but I can't even figure out how to solve some damn puzzle. The stress really gets to   
  
you after a while.' Raziel then proceeded to decapitate and reave the soul of a reporter.  
  
Eidos employees were less than pleased with this development as well.  
  
'If Raziel stops working for us, how are we ever going to create 'Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 3: What The Hell Is Going   
  
On?'?' said an unnamed programmer. 'We have at least eighty more sequels planned with plots becoming more and more   
  
incomprehensible, but with our star gone, we may have to turn to some other storyline. This is disaster!'  
  
In reply to this statement, Raziel told Eidos to 'go fuck yourselves. I was underpaid and overworked anyway, fuckers!'  
  
When asked what his plans were now that he was retiring, Raziel said he intended to 'Go back in time, kill that bitch-ass   
  
ho Moebius, and spend the rest of my life sunbathing on the beach reaving the souls of hapless lifeguards. He also said he   
  
intended to 'take a huge fuckin' shit in that Elder God's eyeball, the asshole.'  
  
Raziel's retirement will go into effect after he activates the Air Forge and kills some Fire Demons. 


	2. Soul Reaver Succumbs To Fangirls

Here already is the long awaited second article from the legendary Nosgoth times...written in under 10 minutes!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The Nosgoth Times  
  
Raziel Defeats Black Demons, Succumbs to Fangirls  
  
  
Raziel was driven into the Spectral Realm earlier today after being brutally attacked by legions of fangirls. At least   
  
2 dozen of those suspected for this assault were placed under arrest by the Sarafan and detained for questioning.  
  
Sources say the incident occured shortly after Raziel activated the Fire Forge, and began to make his way to the Sarafan   
  
Fortress. Along the way, several powerful Black Demons (unholy abominations from the nethermost pits of hell) appeared in  
  
front of him, blocking his way. With hardly a second thought, Raziel lunged for them, Soul Reaver wielded, and sliced them   
  
into small pieces. He then disposed of several Sarafan Warriors, including a Sorceress who he spent over half and hour trying   
  
to hunt into a corner. He commented to the world at large that her soul was 'not worth all that trouble'.  
  
However, before his entrance to the Sarafan fortress was secure, a mysterious portal opened near him and scores of female   
  
humans poured forth into Nosgoth. Although Raziel made a valiant attempt to hold them off and succeeded in reaving the souls   
  
of four, their sheer numbers were too much for him and the stunned fangirls watched as he vanished off into the Spectral   
  
Realm.  
  
One of the assailants, interrogated by the Sarafan, confessed her reasons for taking part in the brutal attack:  
  
'Poor Raziel!' she lamented. 'He has so much rage...he needs a hug.' She then broke down into helpless giggles.  
  
Other suspects gave similar reasons.  
  
After Raziel's disappearance from the Material Plane, the surviving fangirls sank into a state of manic depression. Some  
  
collapsed, helpless, to the ground, others built a 'Church of Raziel' and engaged in unspeakable acts of cannibalism in an   
  
attempt to summon the noted Soul Reaver to their presence.  
  
Other residents of Nosgoth were amused by the incident.  
  
'Ich spatatige das mein himmelfueffen ein hoemmelscheizer ist!' said Ustenheim resident Hans von Scheissen. 'Der sie   
  
voegestebegeben krackhaus sind habe!'  
  
On the other hand, a fish in the lake of the Sarafan fortress, made an incomprehenible bubbling noise when asked  
  
for an opinion.  
  
'I think we can safely assume that this attack was triggered by a cult following of Raziel,' said an expert on such  
  
incidents. 'An obsession with the character leads to a crazed desire to bow at his feet, and when these fangirls saw the   
  
opportunity to do so, they rapidly took it.'  
  
It is also unknown who opened the portal that allowed these human females into Nosgoth, but a top Sarafan priest said today  
  
that 'whoever did it will be charged with possession of weapons of mass destruction.'  
  
Raziel's destination after being sent back to the Spectral Plane is unknown, since reporters failed to contact him.   
  
However, he is expected to shift back into the Material Plane later today. 


	3. Moebius Converts to Rastafari

Note from the author:  
Thanks for the rave reviews. Last night I got up in the wee hours to lay a sacrifice for the porcelain god, and I fell down   
  
the steps (my usual luck). My foot got messed up and it's probably broken. So it cheered me up to see the reviews...anyway  
  
this injury also means that since I can't even walk, much less go outside, I'll have lots of time to scribble out more  
  
articles...be happy.  
  
To the person who asked what the German guy said...nothing, as far as I know. I barely speak any German, I just made up  
  
words that sound German. I like to do it to people randomly, they usually find it funny.  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Moebius or any other LoK characters, nor do I own Bob Marley, nor am I Rastafarian, nor am I Jah,   
  
come to break down 'pression and set the captives free.  
  
  
THE NOSGOTH TIMES  
  
MOEBIUS SHUNS ELDER GOD, CONVERTS TO RASTAFARIANISM  
  
Sources say the Time Guardian, Moebius, has formally abandoned his allegiance to the Elder God, and converted to  
  
Rastafarianism. He has so far used his staff to steal many Bob Marley CDs from vampires, bought tickets to Jamaica, and  
  
grown dreadlocks (fortunately he still wears his hood so we can't SEE him with dreadlocks)  
  
Commentators have bewen pondering possible reasons why Moebius might have undergone this radical conversion.  
  
'It's possible that he may have had a feud with the ancient Elder God, and split up with him,' said Grimhag the Buff.  
  
'However, why he would take Rastafari as his religion of choice is unclear. For one thing, nobody in Nosgoth has ever heard  
  
of Africa, or Rastafarianism.'  
  
Other journalists speculated that a few Rastas may have entered Nosgoth at the same time the horde of fangirls which  
  
yesterday overcame Raziel arrived. This influence may have reached Moebius, who decided that he no longer wanted to plot to   
  
rule the world, but instead wanted to listen to reggae and unite jah people for the rest of his life.  
  
Moebius began preaching his new faith to the Sarafan.  
  
'Jah come to break down 'pression, set the captives free! I got so much things to say right now, like we all gotta unite  
  
with one love, one heart! Let's get together and feel alright! Give thanks and praise to the Lord, and it will be alright!'  
  
The Sarafan priesthood were skeptical about this development.  
  
'I think it's extremely strange that our spiritual leader, Moebius, should suddenly tell us that mighty God is a livin' man  
  
and it's time to go to our fatherland,' commented a Sarafan Pikeman. 'Not long ago he was telling us to crucify vampires,   
  
but now...'  
  
To the amazement of many, Moebius has abandoned his long-held anti-vampire stance, now telling vampires that they have been  
  
oppressed and to 'get up, stand up! Stand up for your right! Get up, stand up, don't give up the fight! Life is your r  
  
right!'  
  
Both Kain and Raziel were overjoyed to hear this.  
  
'Apparently, Jah is not very big on killing Kain,' said Raziel. 'He seems to put more emphasis on having one love and  
  
jammin' in the name of the Lord.'  
  
Likewise, Kain told reporters: 'Now that Moebius is not constantly trying to kill me, I can once again set up a vampiric   
  
empire to rule the world and subjugate the humans under my iron fist. Muahahahahahaha!'  
  
Kain then executed a vampire caught in his court with a Bob Marley T-shirt.  
  
Moebius is not the only person affected by this new trend. Many of the population of Nosgoth are playing reggae music in  
  
the streets now and growing their hair into dreadlocks. Jamaica's popularity as a tourist destination has also skyrocketed,   
  
even though nobody knows how to get their or where it is.  
  
'But it doesn't matter,' said a resident of a small town in Souther Nosgoth. 'Cause we're leavin' Babylon...we're going  
  
to our father's land. Exodus! Movement of Jah people!' 


	4. Game Freezes Up At Critical Moment

Thanks for the reviews and sympathy for my foot..it's not broken and it doesn't constantly hurt anymore (except when I step  
  
on it! AAARRRG!) although I still have to hobble around on crutches. Well at least it didn't happen during school.  
  
Anyway, yes, Rastafarianism is real. I don't pretend to know much about it, but it's a lot like Judaism/Christianity and  
  
they believe that the Messiah came in the form of some Ethiopian emporer named Ras Tafari. The religion started in Jamaica  
  
Bob Marley was a Rasta, thus all the Bob Marley lyrics in the article.  
  
  
This article is based on my own woes, trying to get to Janos Audron and the Fire Forge. The first time I solved that puzzle it froze while I was talking to Janos, the second time it froze right after I finished the puzzle, the third time it froze while I was going to Janos' hangout, and the fourth time it froze in the middle of the Fire Forge. AAAAAARRRRRG!  
  
Another note...Ich Sprache Deutsch! (Nein, ich nicht sprache) Anyway, the people making the game don't know much about  
  
German. 'Uschtenheim' is supposed to be a German name, but what they don't know is this: in German, when S comes before P or  
  
T, it's pronounced Sh. You never see 'Scht' or 'schp'. Thus, 'Gestapo' is 'Geshtapo', 'Stosstruppen' 'Shtosstruppen' etc.  
  
(No, I'm not a Nazi, I just took those examples because they're well known German words.) So I spell it the 'right' way.  
  
This same error appears in Soul Calibur (SCHtauffen). just letting y'all know.  
  
  
Last note, I promise! Does anyone know how to get to the Bonus Materials in Soul Reaver 2 on PC? I've heard of the Bloopers   
  
they have on there and I'd like to see them but I've only been able to find directions to do it on PS2. Is there a way or   
  
am I doomed forever to settle for reading Blooper Reels on this site? (Not to knock those...they're great too)  
  
Without further ado...  
  
  
  
THE NOSGOTH TIMES  
  
GAME FREEZES AT CRITICAL MOMENT, PUZZLE MUST BE REDONE MULTIPLE TIMES  
  
  
The game has apparently frozen at least a dozen times at the worst possible time in the past several days. Because of this  
  
and the scarcity of save Obelisks in Nosgoth, Raziel has had to navigate his way from Ustenheim up to the lair of Janos  
  
Audron, then solve the puzzle to get up there repeatedly.  
  
'I'm not joking when I say I have that whole puzzle memorised!' said Raziel to an incredulous crowd this afternoon. 'I just   
  
walk right in, solve it, and prepare for another freezeup and repetition of the whole vicious cycle. I would throw up but,   
  
you know, I...well I can't.'  
  
Raziel has had to solve that puzzle 13 times, reporters say. Because every time he finishes it, the game freezes, he has  
  
had to reload back at Ustenheim every time and work his way all the way BACK to the puzzle.  
  
Janos Audron is simultaneously aggravated and delighted.  
  
'I am getting tired of having to do the same lines over and over and over again with Raziel, and I'm getting sick to death  
  
of that scene, but then there's always the knowledge that I'm going to get killed afterwards, so I can't help but be  
  
grateful.'  
  
Technicians assigned to create a patch to solve this problem of constant freezeups have laughed and drank much coffee and   
  
consumed large amounts of cornchips, then written a patch which solves problems like people switching into the Spectral  
  
Realm in William's friggin' tomb.  
  
'I don't know what they were thinking when they put that crap out there,' fumed Raziel. 'Really! The worst problem with   
  
the game is that it always crashes and makes you lose your progress, but the patch is to help people dumb enough to switch  
  
into the Spectral Realm after refusing to kill Kain. I think they hate us.'  
  
The game was thought to have reached its worst during the first sequence in Nosgoth's future, where Raziel could not escape   
  
the Sarafan fortress due to constant lockups. At that point, the Soul Reaver was considering legal action against Eidos.  
  
However, after he managed to get past that part of the game, he said he never experienced many problems until now.  
  
Experts attribute this problem in part to the long gap between save points.  
  
'The problem coul easily be solved in one of two ways,' said an annoyed gamer from the small Asian dictatorship of  
  
Goatfuckistan. 'They could either add more save points in between the two spots, or they could do the obvious and LET YOU  
  
FRIGGIN' SAVE WHENEVR YOU FEEL LIKE IT! Save points have the be the worst idea on this world since....svdzhtsfzcscsdky!'  
[Last word lost in translation]  
  
Soul Reaver 2 players worldwide share the sentiment. Eidos has announced another patch in response to the outcry, which  
  
will not solve the problem but will allow the player to do Matrix-style stunts off the walls at a certain point early in  
  
the game. 


	5. Communist Party Takes Over Pillars

Well here is the proudly presented fifth issue of th Nosgoth Times.  
  
Chansemweje: thanks for the German lesson. I don't know all that much German myself, I'm starting German classes next September, so I'm no expert  
  
Orichalcon: *sigh* ok, I have to find someone with the PS2 version now :P  
  
Sarryn: yeah that was you.  
  
Random note: vanilla coke tastes EXACTLY like regular coke. No difference except Vanilla costs more.  
  
  
  
THE NOSGOTH TIMES  
  
COMMUNIST PARTY OF NOSGOTH TAKES CONTROL OF PILLARS  
  
The Nosgoth Party for the Liberation of the Proletariat (NPLP), the most radical branch of the Nosgoth communist party,   
  
staged a coup yesterday, killing five members of the Circle of Nine and sending the other 4 off to Siberia. They then  
  
established themselves as the Keepers of the Pillars and Rulers of Nosgoth. The new Balance Guardian, I. V. Ninel, pledged  
  
today that the power belongs to the people and the communist party will be run by the votes of the people. He also said  
  
that excess junk will be taken away from the rich in order than people lacking in junk may have some.   
  
Among the Party's philosophies are the idea that all people must be equal and workers must control the means of production,  
  
and the bourgeoisie must give up their wealth to provide for the proletariat. It also pledges full equal rights for vampires,  
  
demons, Mutants, Soul Reavers and other minority groups. They intend to implement this by putting anyone who dissents on a  
  
strict diet of borscht and vodka for a year, a fate which critics argue is worse than death.  
  
Another NPLP leader, Chee Vegara, commented that now that the communist party takes power, all the influence of corporations  
  
like Eidos, as well as other signs of capitalism, must be eliminated. Several Eidos programmers found themselves swinging  
  
picks in a gulag in Siberia.  
  
Other political parties have issued statements regarding this issue.  
  
'On behalf of the Socialist Party of Nosgoth, I do respect the aims and goals of the NPLP, but I think their methods are  
  
too extreme to aaaarrrggghhhh!' said Socialist Party leader Dvrzhivski, before dropping dead with several bullets in him  
  
'The actions of these communist leadmmmmmmmppppphhh!!Ggggffffmmmmm!' was the opinion of Conservative Party leader John  
  
Mmmmmppppphhhh before he was bound and gagged by Communists.  
  
Noel Hopsky, the NPLP's Minister of Ass-Whuppin', announced that the Sarafan would be renamed the 'Red Comrades With Pointy   
  
Weapons' and that their goal would be to kick a lot of butt.  
  
The Fascist party of northern Nosgoth has announced plans to invade the NPLP-controlled territory as soon as they find a   
  
leader with a ridiculous enough mustache. 


	6. Vampires Busted For Drug Possession

Well folks, I know it's been a while. But finally, here is the latest shocking event to occur in the world of Nosgoth.  
  
First, though, I'd like to ask some more questions, mainly about the plot of the game and the ending.  
  
What the HELL is going on? That last cutscene where Raziel shishkebabed himself with the Reaver, and then Kain showed up and  
  
talked for a little while...I didn't understand. I was hoping for an ending that told me what was going on in a bigger scale,   
  
like, who are the dead guys that turned Janos Audron and his boys into vampires? I can't remember all the other questions I   
  
had, but the game didn't explain much of anything. This obviously means there's going to be a Soul Reaver 3, but I want  
  
someone to tell me what's going on...and as to Blood Omen 2, I don't have the game, but what are the events leading up to  
  
Kain getting screwed over like he does? And also, what kind of an endgame is that anyway? You can't get hurt? That's  
  
REALLY hard.  
  
Thank you.  
  
Anyhow...as you can tell, I've run out of ideas that make any sense (the Communist party issue saw the death of those)  
  
so here we go. This one takes place in the good ol days while Kain and his kiddies were a happy family.  
  
  
VAMPIRE LIEUTENANTS BUSTED FOR DRUG POSSESSION  
  
Three vampires were busted last night when police found them smokin' in a Nosgoth back alley. An alarm was issued by a   
  
resident who saw smoke rising next to her window and look out to see three vampires gettin' high. Police rushed to the scene,   
  
and found Raziel, Zephon, and Dumah, three of the highest-ranked vampires in Kain's empire, rollin' blunts and gettin' dey  
  
smoke on. They attempted to flee, but one the cops busted a cap in their vampire behinds and subdued them. It was discovered  
  
that they were in possession of massive quantities of pot, which Raziel swore to his dead Sarafan gra'momma was sugar.  
  
'Taste some!' he slurred as the police held it incriminatingly before him. 'I swear to my dead Sarafan gra'momma it's only  
  
sugar!'  
  
THe police then handcuffed all three of them.  
  
It was later discovered during interrogation that they had recieved the pot in a deal from 'a blue homie with this cloth  
  
thing around his mouth.' The identity of this blue homie remains a mystery, but the police department has issue a request  
  
that any blue homies spotted should be detained and brought in for questioning. One was reportedly spotted by some  
  
teenagers, but as soon as they tried to grab it, it vanished.  
  
The three vampires were thrown in cells, and when brought out again this morning, claimed that they were actually planning  
  
to use the drugs for an experiment in subduing 'Sarafan screwup mothas'.  
  
When Kain heard the news, he reportedly almost gave in to the temptation to make Rahab his new favourite. However, Raziel   
  
used his one phone call to contact Kain and tell him that, if Raziel were to remain the top vampire, Kain could have some  
  
blunts too. 


	7. Soul Reaver 3 Game Features Announced

OK here is the seventh chapter of the Nosgoth Times, finally. Hopefully when SR3 comes out this won't happen!  
...my obsession with dreadlocks continues  
  
Disclaimer, I don't own the game, I don't live in nor own the Mill Creek projects (thanks God) and any flames will be   
  
promptly mocked in the next chapter.  
  
  
SOUL REAVER 3 ANNOUNCED  
  
In an announcement that excited the gaming world, Eidos made public the basic premise of the upcoming game Legacy of Kain:  
  
Soul Reaver 3: It will follow the same basic theme as the first two games although with more time travel and more confusing   
  
plot twists. The main difference will be the emphasis on customisation of the game features.  
  
'You'll be able to deck out Raziel with whatever kind of appearance fits your fancy,' said Scott Hosenscheisser, an   
  
Eidos programmer. 'From spiked hair to a Wu Tang hoody to Tims, as well as a number of different selections of special  
  
abilities such as the Power Bomb WWE Drop and the No Wang Chung Karate Bonebreaker, you can tailor the game to your  
  
personal preference!'  
  
Raziel's blue skin, lack of lower jaw and noble organ, though, will stay the same.  
  
Fan opinions are divided. While some insist this will make the game appeal to a wider audience who may like blue  
  
zombies more when they be gangsta, others ominously quote this official press release:  
  
'Because so much effort and memory will be devoted to the customisation, the actual gameplay time is predicted as being  
  
approximately 2 hours, plus around 30 minutes of confusing cutscenes, most of which don't tell or change anything about the  
  
plot.'  
  
Critics say that even if you can make Raziel break a Sarafan's neck with the Flying Siberian Sand Llama Stance of   
  
Koziwakashimozuki the Eternally Wise, that you will only get 2 hours to do it in will ruin the game.  
  
'I don't CARE if the bo' can flip some nigga's ass wit' some Backslap Cutroat join'!' said Waheem Faheek Johnson of  
  
the Mill Creek projects in West Philadelphia. 'Mah bo's told me dat first join' was trippin and I ain't gon' get dis one   
  
unless it got some BUTT!'  
  
Eidos has considered outcries for more female characters, but has said that as of now, the furthest it will go toward  
  
that end is giving Raziel a pink bikini as well as a drag queen outfit.  
  
The customisation of the main character is expected to take up to ten hours, after which the player will proceed to   
  
kill a few Sarafan, watch some cutscenes, go into a time machine and get a 'to be continued' message.  
  
Here is a preview of the exciting new features available to Soul Reaver Fans:  
  
Raziel's hair can be arranged in many styles including:  
  
Spikes  
  
Mohawk  
  
Monk  
  
Bald Redneck  
  
Baseball Cap  
  
Dreadlocks  
  
Afro  
  
Ponytail  
  
Cornrows  
  
  
His wide variety of outfits will range from:  
  
Tux  
  
Beach Boy  
  
Superhero  
  
Ninja Assassin  
  
Nostalgic Sarafan Getup  
  
Gangsta from da Hood  
  
Punk  
  
Hippie  
  
Amish Farmer  
  
Drag Queen  
  
And in addition, you will be able to equip him with one of these powerful Special Attacks:  
  
Flying Siberian Sand Llama Stance of Zakawakamakashakalaka the Eternally Tongue-tied  
  
Power Hammer Body Drop  
  
No Wang Chung Kung Fu Bonebreaker  
  
Silent Ninja Cutthroat  
  
Big Momma's Backslap  
  
Nutcracker (don't ask)  
  
Matrix-Whuppin' 


	8. Nosgothic Classified Ads

Hello all you happy beautiful people. The acclaimed NOSGOTH TIMES is finally back for an eighth edition! In this issue, we will explore why Bob Dylan is God. Wow, that's pretty deep. Instead, we'll post some Wanted posters you might spot in Nosgoth...  
  
  
  
WANTED DEAD  
REWARD--50,000 Nosgothic Rubles  
  
Vampire. Wanted for blazing unbelievable path of destruction through Meridian. Has ruthlessly murdered every peasant, noble, and guard unlucky enough to cross his path. Since the part of Meridian he has struck in is one long, boxed in path with no side exits, you could probably catch him by following the trail of anaemic, dead bodies, including three vampires, out to where the city gates leave for the canyons. Vampire is not know, since he is not working for the Sarafan, and not a known member of the Cabal--and we know all their faces, which is why they can't just team up and kill all of us Sarafan, even though they're pretty strong vampires, whereas a scrawny fledgling CAN challenge us, by killing everyone in his path, simply because we don't know his face. If seen, shoot him in the head as many times as possible, or spray with water.  
  
  
FOR SALE  
  
A pretty jewel I found lying in the street. There were a lot of dead Sarafan and a dead vampire around it. It's purple with a gold casing around it, and it's glowing with some sort of mystic light. It doesn't seem to do anything, despite the fact that all mysterious gems you find lying in a field of corpses tend to turn you into a ravening demon or something. If wanted, contact Manfred das Dumkopf in the Industrial Quarter.  
  
  
FOR RENT   
  
ZOMBIES  
  
Large number of humanoid zombies, animated by magic. Can burrow into the ground and will pop out again if someone intrudes on their space. Some come armed with swords, others can spit acid balls. Excellent for guarding homes, villain's lairs, or massive puzzles. For only 1 and half price, you can buy a big one who carries a round key that can be matched into a specially designed door to unlock it! Great for letting those annoying heroes/trespassers get a little closer to your front door/boss room. If wanted, contact Janos Audron, C/O Uschtenheim Post Office.  
  
NEED REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER  
  
A real estate developer is badly needed to help rebuild city. CIty has been overrun by numbers of large, vicious demons. Damage includes bodies of dead piled in streets, most buildings burned to shreds, and wild demons will be a menace to workers unless cleared out. Room and board provided in a large cathedral south of the city.  
  
  
LOST  
  
One staff. Has a purple orb on the end, and a dead snake coiled around it. Tends to have adverse effects on vampires, such as disabling of Dark Gifts, paralysation, and death. I need it very badly! Please contact the Sarafan Fortress for more details.  
  
  
NEED PLUMBER  
  
I desperately need a plumber to clear out a cathedral. Cathedral is a very beautifully done, Gothic architecture, but has been flooded with water. I'm new to the Vampire Lord scene, and just inherited this baby, but the guy that lived here before was a giant fish and kind of let the place go to waste. If anyone can help me drain this water, please call! Also needed, help to exterminate aquatic vampire pests, and assisstance in removing giant fish carcass from main chapel. Contact me at the Aggravatingly Damp Abbey.  
  
  
BABYSITTER NEEDED  
  
I'm a vampire with five sons. I'm not the best parent (for example, I just tossed my oldest son into his death for no good reason) and I am needed in other eras. While I'm off timestreaming, I need someone to watch my kids. They are pretty big and able to take care of themselves, but if you would keep them from killing each other, or getting pinned up by vampire hunters, or evolving into repulsive monstrosites, I would greatly appreciate it!  
Contact me at the Pillars of Nosgoth for more information. Pay is good, may include becoming a reeking, ugly vampire that skins humans to live. 


	9. Vampire clans perturbed by Harry Potter ...

THE NOSGOTH TIMES  
  
First a bit of prologue. Many of you may remember when the Nosgoth Times made its debut last summer, starting as a venting point for my woes with the glitches of Soul Reaver 2, and advancing to a documentary of what would happen in Nosgoth if I were Amy Hennig. I eventually slowed down with the updates and totally stopped posting it, mainly because I had no time to think what with school and work.   
  
Anyway, so I was sitting in the tub, (showers may be faster, but baths are much more inspirational!) and suddenly the idea hit me for this chapter. And another chapter. And another one, involving the Rolling Stones, which I have to figure out how to work into the Nosgothic storyline. I may not be able to do that one...you can't always get what you want. Oh well.  
  
Unfortunately my writing style also seems to have metamorphosed over the past year, probably from reading too much Brian Lumley and not enough Pratchett and Wodehouse among other things, and I was just reading over some stuff I'd written last summer and was shocked to see how much less heavy-handed, more inspired and witty, and overall better my style was back then. It oozed brilliance and it came straight out, easily enough, when I was feeling in the Writing Mood. Now it's gotten a lot more serious, all the little puns are gone, the little references, etc etc. And I do the most godawful run on sentences now.  
  
In any case, this marks the first effort to reclaim my good old writing style. If you're new to the Nosgoth Times, have a look at the previously posted chapters. You'll dig 'em. If you've been avidly following this since the beginning of its time, read them back over anyway. I almost died laughing on the last classified ad in chapter 8, having forgotten all I'd written.  
  
This chapter is pretty accurate, even though the damn Order of the Phoenix just now came out.  
  
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NOSGOTH TIMES, Vol. 9  
  
HARRY POTTER DELAY DISMAYS VAMPIRE CLANS  
  
As residents of Nosgoth may remember, in the era of time preceding the corruption of the Pillars of Nosgoth, the popular Harry Potter books originating in another dimension arrived on Nosgoth. These were a huge smash first with the children of Nosgoth, who enjoyed reading about the young wizard's adventures in a world of magic, and then became popular with adults as well. Some psychologists have attributed this popularity to escapism: in order to gain a distraction from the real world of insane evil wizards and vampires, Nosgothians enjoy immersion in Harry Potter's world of insane wizards and more goddam insane wizards.  
  
The first four books of the series came out little more delay than early Led Zeppelin albums, and, following the tradition of Led Zeppelin albums, came across a several-year hold-up as author J.K. Rowling crafted a recrafted the immensely twisted plot of the fifth book. Not that fans would care if it was good or not, after three years they wanted this book like Kain wants blood when he's running through the sewers in Avernus.  
  
But after the release of the fifth novel, fans became more and more anxious for the sixth, watching their world fall into a vampiric empire of decay and stuff, as the pillars crumbled, the Sarafan battled the undead, Kain had an irrelevant tramp through Meridian, and raised his lieutenants.  
  
Now several thousand years have passed and Nosgoth is in a state of destruction. And fans are still waiting for the damn sixth book! Vampires are among the series' fans now. Several Melchiahim had planned on organizing a search party to enter the alternate universe where the books originated, until Zephon told them they were a bunch of pathetic weaklings and sent his top warriors to do the job, where they entered a portal to earth and landed in the middle of the ocean, dying horribly and interestingly.  
  
  
  
Another press release states that author J.K. Rowling, having used her immense riches to uncover the secret of immortality, is still working on the book, and fans across the universes are waiting.  
  
Kain, for one, is agitated. 'I've been waiting for this book since I was a ten year old boy in Coorhagen. When I got killed, I feared I would never see the sixth and seventh books, and now I still don't think I will. I've timestreamed int othe distant future and similar press releases await,' he told our reporter. 'It's working on my mood too. I was just sitting in the Sanctuary one day re-reading The Chamber of Secrets, and my five younger sons are standing around for God knows what reason, and then Raziel walks the hell in with wings. So I had him thrown into eternal torment in the Lake of the Dead. You can see what this does to a vampire god.  
  
However, Kain is said to have a new plan of action. He will use Raziel's destiny and the Soul Reaver to restore Harry Potter books to Nosgoth. Till then, though, fans will have to continue resorting to bad fluff-fics and finding ridiculous theories about the future books. 


	10. New dance craze sweeps Nosgoth

Yet another chapter of the Nosgoth Times, also provided by my bathtub inspiration. Includes a nod to the grooviest decade of all (not that I'm a disco fan...I prefer 70's rock) and one to Dogsdontfly of the the www.nosgoth.net forums.  
  
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NOSGOTH TIMES  
  
NEW DANCE CRAZE TAKES NOSGOTH BY STORM  
  
When Ariel was murdered, her lover Nupraptor caused insanity to strike every remaining member of the circle. This led top their obsession with a new type of music, which has since spread ot the rest of Nosgoth. Every night finds humans, vampires, and Hylden alike dancing their cares away in old warehouses decorated with flashing balls and psychedelic lights. It seems that the volatile mix of cultures, all of whom are historically intent on killing one another and dominating their land, has been united by this partyin' trend.   
  
This music has been influenced by elements of all three races, and the dance craze inspired similarly. Fans of this music go to old warehouses converted into party clubs, take large amounts of drugs, and dance to the steady beats until dawn. Observers and participants have reported that during this time, the dancers show no hostility towards each other, a vampire boogie-ing with a Sarafan Knight one minute and a spiky Hylden the next.   
  
Already exclusive clubs are springing up around Nosgoth. Warehouse 5.4 in Meridian has gained a reputation as the defining moment for 'beautiful people': anyone whose glamour is sufficient to be let in here is elevated to the status of gods by other partyers. Also, there's more drugs in there than in most of these places.  
  
All kinds of Nosgothic celebreties have been seen partying. Sarafan Knights take breaks from the rigours of vampire slaying to get down and party. Kain abandoned a Meridian slaughterfest in the industrial quarter to enter a converted warehouse and dance till he dropped from lack of blood. Then he hacked up everyone in there and sort of ruined the night for everyone else. Also, Vorador has been reported as dancing with various women, with an obviously fake pink afro on his head. His mansion is decked out with glittery silver balls and thumping music, bringing the Termagent Forest alive.  
  
Even the barren northern wastes have been touched: Uschtenheim residents complain of not being able to sleep due to constant loud partying from Janos Audron's aerie, leading the Sarafan to hunt him down and rip his heart out, then portray him accurately enough as a vicious monster that preyed on defenseless people.  
  
Raziel the Soul Reaver has also been able to gain acceptance within normal society, surprisingly given the extreme glamour obsession of this new fad, but this is attributed mainly to the fact that people on drugs don't realise that intestines are essential organs for anybody, human, Hylden or vampire.  
  
One can only guess at how long this craze will hold Nosgoth in its grip, but our reporter doesn't care to guess, as his bell-bottoms need to have glitter applied by the party tonight. 


End file.
